An unsent letter

I imagine that tonight we could have written the “10 things we love about each other” in 10 minutes as part of our ‘12 planned dates‘.  We also could have talked about random things: from politics to clinical duties to future plans. Yet here I am lying on my bed thinking about the past and the future.

I ask myself everyday if you also think about me the same way I do. Do you think of me when you wake up or before you fall asleep? Do you close your eyes thinking that when they open we are magically sent back to the past? Do you open your eyes wishing that I am there beside you? Do you think of me during your busiest (and non-busy) days and recall all the good (and bad) memories we shared? I wouldn’t know. This is how I’ve been without you. Constantly asking, constantly dreaming.

Days passed. Tears flowed. Hurtful words uttered. I am sorry. I am sorry because I decided to leave and end it. I am sorry because I chose to be silent and distant. I chose to be silent thinking that it could mask the pain. I kept distance thinking that it was the way to keep me sane. I was wrong. I felt and still feel broken. Perhaps more broken that I’ve ever been.

Some might say that breaking up with you must have been easy for me. They are wrong. Leaving you, I tell you, was a hard thing to do. I did not leave just because I wanted to hurt you. I left not because I was hurt by you saying that you were better off without me. I left thinking that we could be both better off without each other; that breaking what we had back then was the solution to our cyclical issues, problems. I was wrong. I realized that it never solved the problem. I never solved the problem. I ran away from the problem.

They say love make two individuals one. However, I dare say, love shouldn’t just be about “us”. It should also be about “you” and “me”. Love shouldn’t try to bring two individuals to become just one. Rather, love should strive to bring these two individuals to become their better, if not best, versions. Our relationship revolved around “us” and we kept on trying and trying to make it work. We were supposed to make each other happy and contented but we ended up unknowingly hurting ourselves. And so, I left.

Today, I regret the tears you shed for us. I regret each time I made you feel unappreciated, unloved. I regret not talking to you when I had the chance. I regret all the hurtful words I said to you even if I know they’ll hurt you, even if I didn’t mean them. I regret not being with you when you needed me. I regret every second I made you feel I am happy without you. I regret not fighting for this, for us.

But I do not and would not regret falling in love with you. It is in falling in love that we rise and emerge to be the best persons we can be. I am and will always be grateful for this.

Do you remember how it all started? It started with us unknowingly (secretly) dreaming of each other, of a life spent together. It started with us planning how to make those dreams or wishes come true. I know our story didn’t turn out as planned. But something’s telling me that our story doesn’t end here…or I just hopefully wish it won’t.

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