Episodes 10.22.17

I’ve been struggling the past weeks. I have these episodes where I feel down. I feel too weak to function. I lose my interest in the world. I barely talk to anyone. I don’t even want to go out. But I go out of my room to eat. I think one of my coping mechanisms is eating food that I crave.

There are times when I experience these episodes at home. Sometimes, even at work. It’s hard when it hits me during work because much of the work I do involves interaction with other people. When I feel down, I tend to lower my voice. My coworkers usually ask me to repeat what I just said. It’s hard for me to talk to patients and their relatives when this happens. I apologize for this. There are times when I feel like crying so I rush to the nurses’ lounge where our comfort room is. There I spend a couple of minutes to flush out my emotions. I cry. silently inside the comfort room. I just pretend that I have common colds if they ask me if I’m okay.

I try not to let this get in the way of my work. I know many lives are stake. So far, I have functioned well at work even when I feel down. And I laud myself for that because even though it seems easy, it isn’t. It’s a struggle.

I am writing this right after I cried. And I feel sorry that my thoughts are cluttered.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I don’t know what’s wrong. I am a nurse and it frustrates me that I am able to help others and yet I can’t help myself. I don’t know what to do. Or maybe I do but I can’t or do not want to acknowledge it. Maybe I need help. But I don’t feel like I need it now. Maybe I need a time off. But that isn’t possible now. Maybe I am just tired of everything, of waking up each day knowing that I still live in a world where wrong things could be the right things. Maybe I just cannot process everything. Maybe I am just frustrated that I am left with no choice to just go with the system. Maybe I just feel like I am helpless and sometimes even useless.

I am sharing my thoughts tonight not because I’m asking for pity or sympathy. I’m sharing this because I want to let it out. Some have already offered their help. I turned them down. I feel like a burden. I don’t want to be an added burden to other people who I know are carrying tons of problems. We all have struggles and I believe other people’s struggles are way worse than mine.

At this point, I have stopped crying. I am listening to instrumental music. I’m trying to calm myself.

I am down. I feel down. And I would just like to eat then sleep. A warm tight hug would be great.

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